I believe all trials would be immensely more entertaining if we had musical verdicts. And holy shit, you get someone on trial like Phil Spector and it has the potential to be like the best concert of all time.

I love the show How It’s Made. That show can make the manufacture of anything totally interesting. Even my five year old will stop to watch, temporarily able to overcome the sugar coursing through his veins. And better yet, it generates questions of the non-Spongebob variety. The fact that I don’t know how to answer these questions is incidental. “What is metal extrusion? Ummm… Well… Look! Shiny metal things!” Continue reading

Behold, Sanitarium Peanut Butter, the peanut butter so good IT WILL DRIVE YOU INSANE! Actually, their slogan is “The spread you and you family have grown up with,” which is true if your last name is Manson, I guess. And in case you are wondering, yes, this is an honest to God real product you can buy as evidenced by this very appropriate and “Holy-Jesus-Please-Make-It-Stop” commercial:

A while back, I proclaimed myself King of Luxembourg (in exile). This evening, fortified by numerous malted beverages of Luxembourgian heritage, I strengthened my claim. (And yes, I really sent this to the Luxembourg embassy.)

Hi, as you can see from the attached link, I’m the King of Luxembourg (in exile). Please send me any and all products to which I am entitled.

Thanks!

King Greg

I’ll let you know when I move into the castle.

A conversation I had with my toddler son at the playground:

Son: Daddy, what’s that boy’s name?

Me: I don’t know, why don’t you go over there and ask him?

Son: (runs over to other child) Hi, what’s your name?

Boy: Steven

Son: (runs back to me) He says his name is Uncle Doyd.

I was stretching my legs at work today when I walked past a grey SUV in the parking lot that had its engine running. And strangely enough, when I glanced over at it, I saw no one in the driver’s seat. Then I looked a little to the left and saw a reclined bucket seat, a back, and a pair of legs in the air. People are fucking in the parking lot now. In broad daylight.

Now, I don’t really care if people are fucking in the parking lot, even if they’re hideously ugly. I couldn’t see much in the second and a half it took me to do a classic comedy double-take as I was walking by. And there are no kids in that area, so it’s not like they’re traumatizing anyone. In fact, once I inadvertently got someone in trouble for getting laid and I still feel bad about it. Continue reading

You want to know how to enrage a Rush fan? Read them the list of the current year’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame nominees. That’ll set ’em off. “What the fuck? Rush sells 50 million albums, 24 gold records, 14 platinum records, has been selling out arenas for 35 fucking years, and they’re not even nominated? And the goddamn Turtles are in the hall of fame?” Then they’ll launch into the merits of the band members themselves before finally saying, “Neil fucking Peart, man…” And then they shake their heads and shamble off to masturbate onto a slide rule or something, because Rush fans are a geeky bunch.

Hahaha, just kidding Rush fans! I myself like Rush, and saw them on their last tour with a friend of mine. That evening was three and a half hours of balls to the wall rock and roll punctuated by seven hours of blackout drinking. Good times. I think. But the point is this: The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame consistently overlooks a fantastic band like Rush, only to let bands like the Turtles in. The fucking Turtles. If you know one of their songs, it’s this one: “I can’t see me loving nobody but you, for all my life!” And that’s the only one you know. They’re in. Rush is not. Continue reading

I went grocery shopping today, and it struck me that the people who name new food products have gone insane. Take the product off to the left, the Quaker Chewy SMASHBAR! From what I’m able to tell, they “Smash” different flavors together into bar form. Then you eat these things until you are so fat that they have to smash you into a van just to be able to get to the Big & Tall store for a muumuu fitting. Continue reading

Swedish Gangsta Rap: Exactly as you had pictured it.