I made the mistake of going to see the new Star Wars movie the other day. I knew it was going to be awful, but I was 8 when the first Star Wars movie came out and it was so insanely popular that for a lot of people like myself, Star Wars has become a cultural touchstone. I felt that since it was the last movie, I had to go see it in the theater. Basically, I just gave my hard earned money to the Disney corporation in exchange for entertainment so bad that it’s been banned in prison. I have three kids. This kind of shit has been going on with Disney for years.

I’ve done a lot of screwy stuff in the name of providing (alleged) entertainment on this site. I’ve asked celebrities to thank me for giving them herpes, asked a rock band to make me a Reuben sandwich, and just recently I have undertaken the learning of a useless language. But I have gone above and beyond this time. Honestly, you should start saving up your money and sexual favors now, because when you find out what I did, you’ll surely want to shower me with both. I sat through an entire showing of the Cats movie.

When I was in college, I knew a guy who had chosen a truly ridiculous major. I wish that I remember what it was, but alas, time and alcohol-induced amnesia have thoroughly scrubbed that particular factoid from my brain. Suffice it to say that it was, in my opinion, a colossally useless major, the kind of major you’d pick if you were from a wealthy family and wanted to piss off your parents. “Whitaker! Comparative Queefing? Really?” A major for losers, that’s what I thought. Of course my major was getting higher than Jesus, so I shouldn’t talk. (I told my parents that I majored in Street Pharmacology. Didn’t work.)

Nothing will make you feel older than having kids. You have to start acting responsible, you wind up becoming very concerned over shit that no one cares about (for instance, this article), and if all else fails, your children will not hesitate to tell you how old and uncool you have become. It’s become a running gag in my house.

Daughter: My friends think you’re really cool.

Me: Oh yeah? Well, I guess I fooled the shit out of them, huh?

Daughter: Boy, I’ll say.

Pretty funny, huh? My daughter thought so too, although she may feel differently about it now. I’ll let you know what she has to say about it once they let her out of the convent.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Guys are filthy, disgusting perverts who cannot walk 30 feet in public without thinking of shit so foul that it would make Larry Flynt cry. You know how I know this to be true (besides, you know, being a guy)? My iPhone told me so.

I don’t have much of a point to make in this post, but when the President of the United States declares himself to be the Chosen One, I’m not sure that there’s a point to anything anymore other than to ram home the idea that it’s not so smart to go out and vote after a full frontal lobotomy. Crispy fried Jesus in a bucket, did he really say that? We need to check the White House water supply for hallucinogens. It would explain SO much.

I have been asked by the European Union to place a disclosure on this website to assure users that it complies with European Union laws regarding the use of cookies. This, of course, was not well received.

Earlier this summer, I watched the entire Land of the Lost series. Remember Land of the Lost (the original series, not the cinematic abortion starring Will Ferrell)? It was a Sid and Marty Krofft show, which meant that it merged childhood whimsy with LSD in order to… Actually, I’m not sure that there was a purpose to it, other than because it was the 70’s, and because they could. (Don’t believe me? Check out Lidsville, a show about hats that combines drug references and Charles Nelson Reilly in a way that probably had toddlers shooting smack during playtime.) But why, you may ask, would a grown man watch an entire children’s television series from the 70’s? Because that grown man had been freebasing shoe polish, that’s why.

Are you bored of plain, old, ordinary line dancing? Have you racked your brain trying to come up with new ways to spice your evenings up? Are you afraid of black people, but secretly admire their sweet, sweet moves? Then buckle the fuck up, cowboy, because Diane Horner is going to rock your goddamn world with… Cowboy Hip Hop!

I was listening to Lenny Kravitz the other day, which isn’t something that I do a lot of, honestly. He’s a little too middle-of-the-road for my liking and he’s also responsible for a remake of the Guess Who’s 1970 hit American Woman, a song so lame that it contains a spelling lesson (“Say A, Say M, Say E, Say R…”). But one thing he has going for him is that he’s an actual musician, the kind that writes songs and plays instruments. That’s in stark contrast to current “artists” whose musical accomplishments consist of a single handshake-deal with Satan. Listen to Taylor Swift and tell me I’m wrong.