I drive a Jeep Wrangler, which is a vehicle favored by off-road enthusiasts and people who like sitting on damp seats. I’m actually a bit of both apparently, because I had the rag-top down yesterday when we had a freak downpour while I was at the office. Anyway, I had to take my three year old to the doctor today, so I loaded him up (squish) and off I went. Continue reading

Tomorrow is the big day: Mrs. Drugs and I take the kids to the Arizona State Fair. Since our kids are 11, 5, and 3, this is a BIG DEAL even if my 11 year old daughter is at that age where she walks 50 yards in front of her parents so no one makes the mistake of thinking she’s there with anyone else. “Hey, who is that very young girl walking really fast and why are there no parents around her?” “I don’t know, but she’s obviously so mature that she’s allowed to be at the State Fair by herself. Let’s buy her a car.” That’s secretly what she believes is going to happen. Continue reading

I was stretching my legs at work today when I walked past a grey SUV in the parking lot that had its engine running. And strangely enough, when I glanced over at it, I saw no one in the driver’s seat. Then I looked a little to the left and saw a reclined bucket seat, a back, and a pair of legs in the air. People are fucking in the parking lot now. In broad daylight.

Now, I don’t really care if people are fucking in the parking lot, even if they’re hideously ugly. I couldn’t see much in the second and a half it took me to do a classic comedy double-take as I was walking by. And there are no kids in that area, so it’s not like they’re traumatizing anyone. In fact, once I inadvertently got someone in trouble for getting laid and I still feel bad about it. Continue reading

Let’s say you decided to start a trendy and chic meth habit. And let’s say that you had just spent the better part of three days working on that habit. And furthermore, let’s say that you were bored and decided you needed something to do. What would you do? Would you watch TV? Crank some tunes and dance around a lot? Vacuum the carpet obsessively for the next ten hours? If you said that you’d jump in a white minivan, do donuts by the side of a busy road outside my subdivision, pull out a four foot long fucking sword and swing it menacingly at me as I drove by, then haul ass down the street dragging the sword out the window while leaving behind a trail of sparks and a neighborhood full of scared kids, then congratulations! You’re the shitbag, asshole, waste of sperm tweaker I called the cops on last Saturday. Fuck you. Continue reading

My two year old son is great for many reasons, not the least of which is that you can take him into a toy store and walk out without buying anything, and not only will he not lose his shit, he will thank you for taking him in there. No kidding. He thanks you for everything, including changing his shitty diapers. That, my friends, is way, way overdue.

Because I didn’t get thanked for doing that by my five year old son. If I recall correctly, he laughed at me. He also will cry and sometimes throw a Force 10 tantrum if I walk out of a toy store without buying him something. Given his age, it’s expected, but it gets tiresome, as do the comments by random passersby. “Is he having a seizure?” “Yeah, probably.” Continue reading

A conversation I had this afternoon with my five year old son:

Him:  Can we watch the video of you skydiving again?

Me:  Forget that, let’s just go skydiving.

Him:  Really?  Mommy, can I go?

Mommy:  No.

Me:  Mommy’s no fun, is she?  I have no problem throwing you out of a plane.

Him:  Yeah, cause you’re cool!

Here’s a conversation I just had with my five year old son upon learning that he had a new girl in class.

Me:  Is Riley your friend?

Him:  No

Me:  Why not?

Him:  Because she’s new!

Me:  You know, it’s kind of scary to be the new kid.  Why don’t you walk up to her tomorrow and say, “Hi!  You’re new here, aren’t you?  Do you want to play?”

Him:  I can’t do that!  She’ll say no!

Me:  Oh, I’m sure she’d love to play with you.

Him:  No she won’t.  She’ll say no!

Me:  Why would she say no?

Him:  Because I keep kicking her in the back!

So, life lesson #1 for my little guy:  If you want a girl to play with you, don’t kick her in the back.

My five year old son fell down the stairs this morning.  Those things are a goddamn hazard, aren’t they?  Hey, you know what would be safer than stairs?  Fucking anything!

Seriously, put a slide right next to the stairs and your kids would never fall down the stairs again.  They’d slide down, and to judge by their behavior in the playground, they’d climb the slide right back up again.  And if they fall going up the slide, wheeeee!  Down they go.  Who cares?  Plus, they’d be distracted enough to stop staring at the TV long enough that we could finally put the Disney Channel out of business.  (Editor: Disney assassins are on their way as we speak.)

I bought a new car today (a Jeep, actually) and while giving my two sons a ride home, my five year old informed me that, “this Jeep is sick!”  But then, before I had a chance to ask him where he’d learned that phrase, he looked at me with pity in his eyes and slowly said, “Daddy, sick means cool.”  My five year old.  Jesus.

I’ll teach that kid.  When he starts dating and bringing girls home, I’m going to go full-blown embarrassing geezer on him.  “Now you come over here and kiss your old man goodbye.  But bring me some fresh Depends first, you little whippersnapper, you!”