I am fucking wiped. I started the day needing a jump start because the battery in my Jeep is fucked. This is normal for Arizona. Car batteries usually last no more than two years because of the extreme heat. So you pay twice as much for a car battery for a warranty, it lasts a little under two years, and you get a new one for free. Which is the same in the end as if you just bought a battery when you needed one without a warranty. It makes no sense, like pretty much the entire automotive industry. Continue reading

I heard a Kenny Loggins song today because the radio station that plays in the common areas at my office is run by fucking sadists. Seriously, they play absolute shit even though research has shown a direct correlation between the number of times Fox On The Run plays and the number of people who show up at local emergency rooms with hot pokers jammed in their ears. Continue reading

I might, just because this is probably the most honest car dealership ad I’ve ever seen in my life.

It’s Wednesday night, and I don’t feel like doing shit. This is bad news for my family if the house happens to catch on fire, but good news for you, the reader, because it means I’ll post wacky videos instead of telling you at great length how drunk I used to get in college (very). So without further ado, I give you this crazy bitch:

I’ll be honest with you, I was totally unaware that dick will make you slap somebody. I’ve had a dick my entire life, and I’ve only been slapped once. (I was in a bar and reacted to a Def Leppard song being played by yelling “Def Lefty!”, pulling my left arm out of its shirt sleeve and pretending to play the drums. A girl at the next table jumped up, slapped me, and informed me that her brother had only one arm. I bet that shit never happens to Def Leppard’s drummer.) Continue reading

I rented a safe deposit bank at the bank today, and if there’s a legal way to feel like more of a total badass, I haven’t heard about it. I felt like I was dropping off money to pay for a contract hit, and I think we can all agree that being involved in a contract hit in any fashion is fucking awesome. (Ok, fine, it’s not that fun to be on the receiving end of one, even if it would be nice to know that you meant so much to someone that they tried to have you offed.) Continue reading

Notorious cut-up and Official Dogs On Drugs Hall of Fame Commenter B’Homey brought the following video to my attention the other day, and I can honestly say that my life was woefully incomplete until I saw this.

The best part about this video is imagining the totally coked up person who wrote the script explain his idea to an actual human being: Continue reading

I’ve seen a lot of stupid things in my day (and I’ve been to Indiana, so that’s saying a lot). But this takes the cake:

Right about now, you’re probably getting ready to shoot yourself in the head on the grounds that you just lost 80 IQ points from watching that, and life is better off ending than being spent in a home for people who drool and rub shit in their hair. No one would fault you, that’s for sure, but before you check out, let me tell you the part of this video that haunts me.

Continue reading

I was driving in rush hour traffic this morning when I thought to myself, “This is fucking bullshit.” This, of course, is far from an original thought. We all hate traffic. If you know anyone who says to his friends, “Hey, it’s almost five o’clock! Let’s see if we can get caught in a traffic jam on the 101!” that person is fucking crazy and you are legally allowed to administer powerful psychotropic drugs to him, even if you need a funnel and a fire hose to do so. Traffic gargles donkey-balls.

Continue reading

I’ve got a couple of interesting things going on right now, nothing that’s for sure yet, but it is eating up some of my time. (I’ll let you know what comes of it later, I promise. Not that you care.) Anyway, we all know what that means: Random video weirdness! First off, a painful lesson from Captain Studmuffin and the Wheelchair crew:

Ouch. As the lady said, their injuries were “minor to moderate”, so it’s ok to make fun of them. (I’m not sure why that is, but hey, I don’t make the rules for this kind of stuff.) I used to live near a river with a lot of boating activity on it, and let me tell you something: People are fucking retarded when they get behind the wheel of a boat. Stone cold morons. Continue reading

Gather ’round, children, as Uncle Greg regales you with another tale of his youth. No, this isn’t another alcohol soaked tale of depravity, but rather a story about great big, huevos, and how having them can sometimes bring you great wealth (and sometimes bring you a well deserved ass-beating). I am going to tell you the story of how a boy named Scott stole a keg of beer. Continue reading