It has come to my attention recently that many of my readers have either forgotten, or just did not know that I am a Man of God, which explains the general lack of groveling and tithing around here. Well, I am here to tell you that just because I became an ordained minister on a lark does not mean that I take my spiritual duties lightly. Why, just the other day, I damned some asshole straight to hell for cutting me off in traffic. I don’t fuck around, something you should consider when determining whether your 10% tithe is based on your gross or net income. Continue reading

Ladies, I know that your lives can be difficult sometimes. Sometimes you find yourself walking in the woods alone, or frolicking with children, totally devoid of purpose because you are Without Your Man. But that doesn’t mean that you should sit on the couch, scarfing down bon-bons like Oprah on Easter morning. Don’t you want to have a good shape? He wants you with a good shape, goddammit. Stop porking the fuck out, and think of your man, for chrissakes! Otherwise, you’re not going to stick in his mind, and then what happens? Well, I’ll tell you what happens: One day you’ll walk in to find him elbow deep in your sister, that is what will happen, you fat, selfish pig. But don’t take my word for it. Listen to your good friends at the Coca-Cola corporation:

My first experience with head shops came when I was 18 years old, a recently graduated high school student who was working hard over the summer to save up money for college. Or at least that’s what I told my parents I was saving the money for. In reality, more than a little of that money was set aside for something that I considered to be more important, namely beer and weed. (If that isn’t classic 18 year old thinking, I don’t know what is. What’s even funnier is that we allow 18 year olds to vote. How Bob Marley was never elected President is one of life’s enduring mysteries.) Continue reading

My first sponsored post. I am going to go wait by the mailbox for that big, fat check.

Not sure, why, but this video has become a Christmas tradition for me. I guess the appeal is that it runs counter to all the schmaltzy, Christmas treacle that is force fed to us for the last 3 months of the year. That, and it’s funny as hell.

Merry Christmas, everyone, and if you see a Chevy Nova parked near your house this season, give it a wide berth.

I have a friend who is openly gay. Not that that’s a big deal or anything. A lot of people are openly gay, as anyone who has ever attended a Barbara Streisand concert can tell you. But when I worked with him back in the early 90’s, Tim was the first, totally open gay friend that I’d ever had and I learned a lot from him, like how people can be complete fucking idiots when confronted with homosexuality. Continue reading

You know who I have a problem with? Magicians that act surprised at what they’ve done. I’m looking in your direction, Doug Henning. Ok, well, not really, since you’ve been dead for 14 years. You know what I mean. (Again, no you probably don’t. You’re dead.) I’m going to stop talking to Doug Henning now. Continue reading

I’ve been thinking a lot about Christmas trees lately, and not just because they’ve been rammed down my fucking throat since Halloween. Seriously, this three months of Christmas bullshit has to stop. I propose that anyone caught putting up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving be placed in the stocks, and then we turn Rudolph loose on him. Rudolph on Viagra. And as for commercial establishments, every day that they’re in violation then everything in the store is free, including the employees. No one, and I mean no one is going to put up Christmas decorations in October if there’s a chance that they’ll wind up being sodomized in a double-wide for the rest of their life as a result. Ok, maybe Walmart employees. (45% of all Walmart employees enjoy being sodomized. That’s a scientifically proven fact. But don’t take my word for it, the next time you’re in Walmart, ask every employee you see if they enjoy being sodomized. You’ll see. Also, video that shit and send it to me.) Continue reading

If, like me, you happen to live in the United States, you know that this week is pretty much a waste of time as far as getting anything productive done. This is because Thursday is Thanksgiving, that magical time of year during which we give thanks for all that we are blessed with by gorging on food until we’re swollen and bloated like ticks on a dog. I’m not quite sure how we went from thankful to gluttonous, but I’m pretty sure that our emaciated and smallpocked forbears would be puzzled by our behavior. “I’m thankful that only half of my children starved to death this year, but yeah, eating until you sweat gravy really captures the spirit of things.” Continue reading

I get a lot of goofball spam in my inbox. Sure, there’s the garden variety SEO bullshit which breathlessly informs me that unless I optimize my website for search engines, I am leaving a HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY ON THE TABLE. I didn’t realize that the market for dick jokes was that big, to tell you the truth. (Hehe: Dick. Big.) And there’s the inevitable Penis Pill spam, which promises that I can make my member longer, wider, and harder if I take a bunch of pills, but that seems a little pricey given that I can do all three of those things for free just by hanging out at the local gym during women’s spin class. (Or at least I could until a court ordered me to stay out of there.) But today I got probably the strangest and most abstract spam mail I’ve ever received. Continue reading