I’m going to start off by saying that I do not hate old people. I really don’t. I myself want to be an old person one day, within limits. I mean, you see some of these seniors on TV who are 107 and they’re not the happy kind of “Is Harry Truman still the President?” out of it, they’re more like the “Mr. McGillicutty shit in his shoes again” kind of out of it. Fuck that. But barring some radical dementia that makes me want to try to barbecue my nuts or anything crazy like that, I do want to live long enough to be fairly old. Continue reading

I drive a Jeep Wrangler, which is a vehicle favored by off-road enthusiasts and people who like sitting on damp seats. I’m actually a bit of both apparently, because I had the rag-top down yesterday when we had a freak downpour while I was at the office. Anyway, I had to take my three year old to the doctor today, so I loaded him up (squish) and off I went. Continue reading

At work, I often listen to music on my iPad streaming over Pandora. For those of you not familiar with Pandora, it allows you to select an artist and then creates a radio station just for you based on songs by (and similar to) the artist you selected. Better yet, you can tell Pandora if you really liked (or really disliked) the last selection, and it will learn from your input to better serve you. And Pandora is free. Well, not quite free, and that’s how I learned exactly how much of a spoiled, impatient prick I can be. Continue reading

You want to know how to enrage a Rush fan? Read them the list of the current year’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame nominees. That’ll set ’em off. “What the fuck? Rush sells 50 million albums, 24 gold records, 14 platinum records, has been selling out arenas for 35 fucking years, and they’re not even nominated? And the goddamn Turtles are in the hall of fame?” Then they’ll launch into the merits of the band members themselves before finally saying, “Neil fucking Peart, man…” And then they shake their heads and shamble off to masturbate onto a slide rule or something, because Rush fans are a geeky bunch.

Hahaha, just kidding Rush fans! I myself like Rush, and saw them on their last tour with a friend of mine. That evening was three and a half hours of balls to the wall rock and roll punctuated by seven hours of blackout drinking. Good times. I think. But the point is this: The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame consistently overlooks a fantastic band like Rush, only to let bands like the Turtles in. The fucking Turtles. If you know one of their songs, it’s this one: “I can’t see me loving nobody but you, for all my life!” And that’s the only one you know. They’re in. Rush is not. Continue reading

Let’s say you decided to start a trendy and chic meth habit. And let’s say that you had just spent the better part of three days working on that habit. And furthermore, let’s say that you were bored and decided you needed something to do. What would you do? Would you watch TV? Crank some tunes and dance around a lot? Vacuum the carpet obsessively for the next ten hours? If you said that you’d jump in a white minivan, do donuts by the side of a busy road outside my subdivision, pull out a four foot long fucking sword and swing it menacingly at me as I drove by, then haul ass down the street dragging the sword out the window while leaving behind a trail of sparks and a neighborhood full of scared kids, then congratulations! You’re the shitbag, asshole, waste of sperm tweaker I called the cops on last Saturday. Fuck you. Continue reading

Dear makers of Gatorade: Can you just go back to making Gatorade again? You know, the funky “lemon lime” flavor that tastes a little bit off like either the lemon or the lime had been fished out of a homeless guy’s pants? Yeah, that stuff. That is Gatorade. Not the orange stuff, not the red stuff, and certainly not that Windex blue shit. And not Gatorade Ice, or Gatorade Frost, or G!, or whatever the fuck you’ve taken to calling your product. Just make regular, lemon-lime Gatorade. Continue reading

Can someone explain to me why Subway will put chips, soda, milk, juice boxes, and Gatorade out in the open where you can easily get to them, but then hoard the fucking napkins behind the counter and dole them out like they’re bars of platinum or something? Look, asshole, just making the sandwich got meatball marinara all over the condom/gloves you wear to keep from giving me the Herp. And I’m gonna eat that fucking thing. So give me more than one fucking napkin before I have to tell you that “sandwich artists” aren’t really artists at all and ruin your fucking day. Continue reading

My two year old son is great for many reasons, not the least of which is that you can take him into a toy store and walk out without buying anything, and not only will he not lose his shit, he will thank you for taking him in there. No kidding. He thanks you for everything, including changing his shitty diapers. That, my friends, is way, way overdue.

Because I didn’t get thanked for doing that by my five year old son. If I recall correctly, he laughed at me. He also will cry and sometimes throw a Force 10 tantrum if I walk out of a toy store without buying him something. Given his age, it’s expected, but it gets tiresome, as do the comments by random passersby. “Is he having a seizure?” “Yeah, probably.” Continue reading

Let’s say you’re a 16 year old moron who just got his license.  Or a thoughtless senior citizen needing to brush up on the rules for a driver’s license test.  Maybe you’re new to this country and don’t know the rules of the road.  Or maybe you’re just a knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, waste of genetic material with a vicious body odor problem and an IQ of 14.  Whatever the reason, you’ll need to become familiar with traffic laws and to judge by my morning commute, there’s one law in particular you’ll need to know about.  So it is in the spirit of public service that we proudly present the Official Dogs On Drugs Guide To Rubbernecking.

Ok, not me personally.  But he did call anyone who denies his version of “climate science” something akin to a racist.  And since I’m one of the many, many people calling for legitimate science to be performed, instead of the relying on Al’s proselytizing dumb-fuckery, he means me.  Behold, Green Jesus:

“One day, climate change skeptics will be seen in the same negative light as racists.”

Well, chalk up a whole bunch more racists then.  CERN (the place where all the braniacs built the Large Hadron Collider) released a study claiming that cosmic rays are the largest driver of climate change.  And far from being the work of a lone scientist who had been huffing paint, the study involved 60 countries, 8,000 scientists, and 600 universities.  This is serious science, not some asshole running around yelling “Bullshit, you fucking racist!” every time someone lays a fact out for the world to see.