I fucking hate my refrigerator. I hate it with the burning intensity of a million exploding suns. If I could frame my refrigerator for murder and conspire to have it sentenced to life in a horrible urine-soaked hellhole where it suffered daily dry anal rapes, I would have done so a long time ago. Continue reading

Just say no kids, or you’ll wind up like Corey Feldman.

Update: I know how difficult it would be to watch this all the way through, so I offer this suggestion: Watch it with the sound off. It looks like a five minute long seizure with midgets and tits. Hypnotic.

Tomorrow is the big day: Mrs. Drugs and I take the kids to the Arizona State Fair. Since our kids are 11, 5, and 3, this is a BIG DEAL even if my 11 year old daughter is at that age where she walks 50 yards in front of her parents so no one makes the mistake of thinking she’s there with anyone else. “Hey, who is that very young girl walking really fast and why are there no parents around her?” “I don’t know, but she’s obviously so mature that she’s allowed to be at the State Fair by herself. Let’s buy her a car.” That’s secretly what she believes is going to happen. Continue reading

Spent pretty much my whole day in the E/R today. Nothing serious, everyone’s ok, no need to send flowers, just cash. And this is an example of what I was watching while I was surfing around Youtube. USE HEADPHONES IF YOU ARE IN THE OFFICE. Otherwise, it’s safe for work.

When I used to live in Tucson, I had a friend who was the gullible sort. With a little bit of effort and a nonchalant manner, you could convince him of almost anything. Like the time I convinced him that I fucked Kylie Minogue. That sounds incredibly laughable, I know, but the fact of the matter is that she’s just slightly older than me. So when her name came up in a conversation and I casually mentioned I had slept with her, I was able to provide some realistic details that explained such a seemingly oddball coupling: I met her at a bar early on in her career while she was on tour, she hadn’t hit it big in the States yet, I had no idea who she was, she thought that was cute, etc. By the time I was done explaining everything, he not only believed that I’d slept with Kylie Minogue, but he bought the added details as well, including a totally made up (I think) foot fetish that had Kylie falling asleep, half drunk, while sucking on my toes. Continue reading

I went grocery shopping with my family today, and during the course of our trip I ran across the good kind of public drug user. If you’re a regular reader of this website, first of all, get help. Second of all, you may remember my run-in with a crystal meth smoker driving a mini-van and brandishing a sword. That’s the bad kind of public drug user, and I hope the asshole dies of chlamydia in a car fire. Continue reading

I ran across this just now. Can you imagine how fucking nuts it would drive you if you owned this goat and it sat outside your home doing this all day?

You think I’m scarring my kids? Because sometimes my wife looks at me as if I am, but she’s hesitant to say something becasue I’m usually acting like a lunatic at the time. Case in point: Death Metal Bingo. The way this works is I take two drum sticks and sing the children’s song Bingo like this:

Slow Paced Sing-Song Voice: There was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o!

Black Death Metal Voice (with frantic drumming): B! I! N! G! O! B! I! N! G! O! B! I! N! G! O! AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And for some reason my wife thinks this might be having less than a desirable impact on our three kids, who are usually howling with laughter while this is going on. Continue reading

Whether you like the man or not, President Barack Obama is suffering from an approval rating so low that a recent poll concluded that he is “more popular than herpes, but trailing significantly behind anal polyps.” In fact, at this point in the presidential election cycle it is hard to imagine a Republican challenger who could not defeat him in an election. (The Republican Party being what it is, however, is sure to find one.)

And so it was during a lull in my daily activities (working, parenting, huffing paint thinner) that I began to mentally run down the odds fictional characters would have against the incumbent President. And of course, whenever I start thinking about fictional characters, I start thinking of the Brady Bunch. Continue reading

I believe all trials would be immensely more entertaining if we had musical verdicts. And holy shit, you get someone on trial like Phil Spector and it has the potential to be like the best concert of all time.