You!  Yeah, you!  Hey, pal, do you care enough for your family to want to save them should a catastrophe occur?  Of course you do, what kind of heartless prick wouldn’t?  Ok, then pony up $25,000 a head and you can live in Vivos’s doomsday bunkers being built in…  Wait.  Indiana and Kansas?  You know what?  Never mind.  You’re better off taking your chances on the outside.

You wouldn’t think that a grocery store would be something you’d need to explain to people.  But you don’t shop where I do.  If you took a busload of the elderly and the retarded, gave them mild concussions with a mallet then loaded them up on meth, you’d still have a breed of person more with it than the crack squad of brain surgeons I have to deal with every time I need to go buy eggs.  Honestly, these people cannot operate shoelaces much less function in a complex environment such as the local Safeway’s.  It is these people that make this post necessary.

…and other times you spend your time photoshopping your mental image of Hee-Haw: The Movie.  Such is life.

(Yes, of course Jack Black, Billy Bob Thornton, and Robert DeNiro would star in it.  H/T to By Ken Levine commenter jbryant for the casting.)

This, right here, is why we should be watching Mexican TV twenty-four hours a day.

An article on MSNBC.com yesterday caught my attention because it was so wonderfully loony, and because wonderfully loony things usually remind me of that wonderfully loony time in my life called “college”.  It seems that a young man decided to take a forklift for a joyride in Fort Worth, Texas.  On interstate 30.  While drinking beer and tossing the empties at pursuing police.  And of course, what would a drunken, felonious joyride be without bringing man’s best friend along for the ride?  Yes, he brought his dog.

I get trash collection twice a week where I live.  I tell that to most people and they immediately start asking me how wonderful that is.  It has its advantages, sure.  For instance, if you throw some leftover food in the garbage during our sweltering Phoenix summers, it’s nice to know it won’t be sitting there cooking in the sun for a full week.  Ditto for dead hobos other perishable items.  But really, it’s not that great.  Especially when they forget to pick it up every other delivery.

My family and I went camping over the weekend, but even though we were miles and miles away from civilization, we couldn’t see the Perseid meteor shower because of clouds.  This is bullshit.  If we, as a civilization, cannot come up with a reliable way to rid ourselves of clouds during important events (meteor showers, the Super Bowl, any time I want to run around drunk and naked in the woods) then we have failed.  We may as well go back to living in the trees, eating bananas all day and flinging feces.  This explains my wife yelling, “Come down from there, right now!” at me all weekend anyway.

I bought a new car today (a Jeep, actually) and while giving my two sons a ride home, my five year old informed me that, “this Jeep is sick!”  But then, before I had a chance to ask him where he’d learned that phrase, he looked at me with pity in his eyes and slowly said, “Daddy, sick means cool.”  My five year old.  Jesus.

I’ll teach that kid.  When he starts dating and bringing girls home, I’m going to go full-blown embarrassing geezer on him.  “Now you come over here and kiss your old man goodbye.  But bring me some fresh Depends first, you little whippersnapper, you!”

You know it’s coming, you feel it in your bones.  A second Great Depression is on its way.  The good news is that it will make the first Great Depression look like a walk in the park and we can finally mouth off to those obnoxious elders who were always telling us things like, “In my day, we got an orange for Christmas, and we were glad to get it!”  Oh yeah?  Well my sister just blew a dude for the protein, asshole!  The bad news is that we won’t be joking.

So we’re going to need to start planning now if we’re to get through it alive, and the first thing we need to address is what we’re going to eat.  Luckily, there are options.  Horrifying, disgusting, never-in-a-million-years type options, but hey, it beats “protein”.

From MSNBC.com, “Arizona man hospitalized after shooting penis.”  I love this headline because it makes you want to read the article at the same time it makes you want to not read the article.  You’d hate to ruin the mental picture it gives you, but you’ve just got to check out the details for yourself.  Did his penis surprise him in the dark?  Maybe he’d had a drunken argument with it.  Or maybe it was an incredibly poorly thought out insurance scam.  Shit, now I’ve gotta look.

Ok, now I’m glad I looked.  The presence of a pink handgun and the advice of 911 to “apply direct pressure” was totally worth it.

Help me, I shot myself in the cock!