Texas is a Big State. It is full of Big Texas People, jowly businessmen with Big Hats and Big Physiques that resemble a side of beef. They drive Big Cadillacs with Big Horns mounted over the grill, and they do Big Business before going home to their Big Wives, and their Big Kids, on the Big Ranch. It’s Texas. It’s Big. And in Texas, you either Go Big, or you Go Home. Or you go Fucking Apeshit Crazy. Continue reading

In 1916 a ship, the SS Mount Temple, was crossing the Atlantic bound for Liverpool England with a wartime cargo consisting of horses and 22 cases of dinosaur fossils because… Well, because the SS Mount Temple originated from Montreal, and you know how those crazy Canucks like to hit the sauce. “World War I has broken out in Europe? Zut alors! We must send them horses and dinosaur bones, just as soon as we are done making sweet, sweet love to this moose!” This really happened. (Yes, the moose thing too.) Continue reading

I was thinking about Aquaman today during a meeting at the office because… Well, because what else are you going to do? You start doing crazy shit like paying attention during meetings at work, and the next thing you know you’ll be tagged as a Responsible Worker, and the only thing that leads to is more responsibility. Seriously, show up to work wearing pants one day, and the next thing you know you’ll have things to do and deadlines and shit. No fucking thank you. Continue reading

Everyone dies in John Wick. Everyone. Hahaha. just kidding. I know I promised that this would be a spoiler-free review. Not everyone dies in John Wick. It just seems that way. The movie starts off with the lead character dying, then moves to a funeral, then an animal dies, quickly followed by pretty much anyone else who appears on the screen. Some characters are felled before you even get a chance to know their names. “Hi, my name is Frank Sever-AAAAUUUUGGGHHHHH!” It’s that kind of movie. I’m pretty sure that a few people in the credits at the end got offed, solely out of habit. Continue reading

My computer died last night, so now you have to read about the Queen of England. Hey, don’t complain to me about it, those are the rules and I am no more responsible for the rules than I am anything else I do while under the influence of oven cleaner and Robitussin. One time I rode a rider mower naked through a nursing home, and they couldn’t do a damn thing about it because those are the rules. Also, they were pretty old and most definitely scared of me after I ran a few of them down, which may have had something to do with it. Continue reading

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned that much to my everlasting shame, I watch the TV show Sons of Anarchy. It’s cheesy, poorly written, horribly over-acted, and terribly contrived, but because I watched it during the first couple of seasons when it was good, I feel obligated to see it through. Anyway, at the beginning of each episode, a voice over says, “Previously, on Sons of Anarchy” and then they show highlights from the previous show. I know they do this to remind viewers what happened the week before, but it always irritates me because I realize that I spent an hour of my life watching a show that was perfectly summed up in a 30 second recap. Such a waste of time. But I like the device itself, and often find myself wishing that I could use it in real life. So instead of giving a status update to my boss, I could just say, “Previously, on Greg’s Professional Life,” and then he’d watch me type on a keyboard for 30 seconds. Continue reading

I was sitting in traffic today behind an armored car when I realized with a start that of all the trivial, meaningless bullshit that I’ve vomited onto this website, I haven’t written a single word about armored cars. I know! Crazy, right? How thoughtless of me! I mean, out there somewhere is a person who up until I wrote this post probably cried themselves to sleep at night, thinking, “Look, I already know what you think of the movie Starship Troopers. Is it too much to ask that you write a little something about armored cars?” I hope you can forgive me, dear mystery reader. Here is everything I know about armored cars. Continue reading

If you’ve been a long term Dogs on Drugs reader, you may have noticed that I haven’t posted anything during the last couple of weeks. That’s the longest I’ve ever gone without posting, and I believe that my readers deserve an explanation, so here it is: I took a leave of absence for medical reasons. More specifically, I took a couple of weeks off to better serve my community by ebola-proofing my neighborhood. Sure, I raised a few eyebrows when I began nailing cow tongues to front doors in order to ward off evil spirits. And yes, people became “concerned” when I bought a high powered hose and began blasting bleach through mail slots and into people’s homes. And ok, maybe I did go “completely overboard” when I began viciously pistol-whipping anyone caught outdoors not wearing a hazmat suit. But you know how many cases of ebola have been reported in my neighborhood? None, that’s how many. My record speaks for itself. Who’s laughing now, enraged neighbors? Well, ok, the enraged neighbors are. Jesus, you’d think they’d never seen someone get tased in the neck and dragged off in cuffs before. Continue reading

Not too many people know this, but I am Canadian. I’m first generation American, but my parents got me Canadian citizenship when I was younger because the Vietnam War was raging and they were concerned that I might be drafted when I grew up. So by getting me declared a Canadian citizen, they gave me the option of legally moving to Canada without having to face desertion charges. I wish they would have run that by me, to tell you the truth. I was looking forward to getting really high and burning my draft card. It looked like so much fun on TV. Continue reading

A coworker of mine is getting married in a few months and having the ceremony take place on the edge of the Grand Canyon. That’s pretty brave, if you think about it. Anytime someone can get married and instantly collect on a life insurance policy with a well timed shove you have to ask yourself just how much you trust that other person. A bad marriage is supposed to ruin your life, after all, not end it immediately. Also, advice such as, “Be careful,” and “Watch your step” is more effective when given well in advance of a wedding, and not after you’ve committed. Continue reading