We were eating at a restaurant this weekend, when my five year old son bit into a fried shrimp that was surprisingly hot. And so of course he reacted quickly and violently, spitting the food back on his plate, and then he began to scan the table to see if anyone else had seen him. I started laughing immediately. “Hahaha, you looked like a dog that just got maced!” I said. We all had a good laugh, even my son who doesn’t take himself so seriously that he can’t laugh at himself from time to time. Continue reading

For those of you who are mentally retarded or have been living in a coma on the surface of the sun for the last forty years, Led Zeppelin is an utterly kick ass rock band that dominated the 1970’s, and rocked so fucking hard that groupies are still walking funny to this very day. Seriously, rock and roll scientists at the Institute For Killer Riffs And Blown Minds estimate that if every Zeppelin fan on Earth were to play Communication Breakdown at top volume simultaneously, the resulting blast would tear a hole in the fabric of spacetime, ending the universe as we know it. And that would still be less intense than seeing them play live. Continue reading

I know this is going to come as quite a shock to you, but I’m kind of an unorthodox dude, and I’ve got some rather wacky ideas. Unfortunately, society tends to frown upon some of my more outlandish ideas. “Greg,” they’ll say, “a topless car wash isn’t legal under any circumstances. Having one to raise money for your day care bill doesn’t change that.” Fucking whiners. There are all kinds of things like that that I can’t do. I can’t push a baby stroller full of steaks through the zoo, I can’t hang out near the bank dressed as the Hamburglar, and I can’t even go grocery shopping without pants. This is bullshit. Continue reading

A couple of weeks ago, I posted an excellent example of horrible, horrible porn acting. I was thinking about that today, when it dawned on me that the concept of excellent porn acting would be even funnier. I mean, everyone knows that the only two skills someone needs to be in porn are a pleasing physical appearance and a willingness to do foul, depraved shit that would make a monkey blush. IQ does you no fucking good when you’re getting reamed out by three guys, and if you start quoting Hamlet’s soliloquy while you’re defiling that barely legal teen, you’ll find yourself in the unemployment line with left-handed shortstops, philosophy majors, and other people with no marketable skills. Continue reading

I’ve got a challenge for you. I’m going to to give you a fifth of bourbon, a bunch of mescaline, and a big bag of high quality skunk-weed. After you’re done fucking around with all of that, I’m going to put you in a room with thirty fifth graders and your goal will be to teach them one thing over the course of seven hours. Sure, it’ll be tough at first, what with all the bats in the room and the floor turning into blood. But if you had to teach a bunch of fifth graders one single thing over the course of a whole day, you’d be able to do it, even under those conditions, wouldn’t you? Well, if you did, you’d have accomplished more in one day than my fifth grade teacher did in an entire year. Continue reading

I recently ran across a video which detailed the last meals of various prisoners who were executed. As you would expect, there were a lot of requests for odd things. One guy asked for a single olive. Another guy, a serial killer, requested “a lump of dirt”, which the prison denied on the grounds that… Actually, now that I think about it, I have no idea why anyone would deny that request. I could understand if the guy had asked for, say, a bowl of razor blades. I mean, you’d hate to go through the trouble of organizing an execution and then have this jerk off himself ahead of time. But what’s he going to do with a lump of dirt? Continue reading

I’ve been on a Journey kick for the last few days, not because I particularly like their music, but because I’m a huge, slobbering fan of their videos. And I do mean slobbering, because watching Journey videos has been shown to cause massive, traumatic, brain damage, the kind where you find yourself rubbing shit in your hair and voluntarily watching C-SPAN. It’s that bad. Continue reading

I was pulling into a shopping mall today, and the road that you turn in on has no stop sign, while the roundabout road that circles the mall does. This usually causes some confusion for people used to having a three-way stop there, and so some guy laid on his horn when I did what I was supposed to do: Keep driving. If we were speaking, this is how the conversation would’ve gone: “Hey, nice stop, asshole!” “I don’t have a stop sign, you blind fuck.” “Oh. Shit. Well, fuck you anyway.” Instead, our conversation went like this: “HOOONK!” “HOOOOOOONK!” “HOOOOOOOOOONK!” In this day and age, that’s the lowest level of discourse you can get outside of Facebook. We can do better. Continue reading

Want to know why we don’t outsource our Superhero movies? This is why:

I’ve got three kids, so it goes without saying that large portions of my house are dedicated to toys: We’ve got bins for everyday use toys, boxes for toys that get used semi-regularly, a large toy box that exists to hold toys that are rarely used, and strategic places around the house where we store toys that are so fucking shitty that they never get used, but we can’t throw them away because the kids would lose their little minds if we did. We could have an HIV-infected hypodermic needle play set, and if one of the kids saw us trying to toss it out, they’d instantly feign interest in it. “Don’t throw that away! I love that toy!” “What? You never play with it. The last time anyone played with it, it was your brother Ben.” “I don’t have a brother Ben!” “Not anymore you don’t.” “PLEASE DON’T THROW IT AWAY!” Continue reading