Remember back in June when Vancouver and Boston squared off in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals?  Not if you’re American, where hockey’s TV ratings are consistently beaten by Bonanza reruns in Spanish.  But that did happen, and in a stunning display of “WAAAAAH!  WE LOST!”, Vancouver rioted after the Cup went to Boston in a 4-0 road win.  Seriously, you people need to get a fucking grip up there.  You’ve got legal weed, what is the goddamn problem?

Hold on to your hats, campers. Shit is about to get weird. See this guy in the picture below? His name is Edwin Charles Tobergta and he was recently arrested for after a man spotted him making off with his pink pool raft. Sayeth the cops in the police report:

The witness stated the defendant appeared to be having sex with the raft due to the fact that his pants were down around his ankles

Now before we commence with the wise-cracks, a couple of things we should note.  When approached by police, Mr. Tobergta admitted his guilt and pled for help with his plastic fetish, stating that he didn’t want to go to prison.  Cause, you know, very few pool rafts in there.  So it does seem like the poor guy needs help, or at least a plastic sex doll.

The other thing we should note is that even though Edwin admitted his guilt, all of this shit is alleged.  If I don’t point that out, Eddie could sue me and use the proceeds on Chlori-lube or something, and we can’t have that.  So this guy is super-innocent until such time as a judge says, “You fucked a raft?  Guil-fucking-ty!”

So the amended list of inanimate objects that were just begging for it is:

• Aforementioned pool raft
• A picnic table
• Street signs
• A bicycle
• A park bench
• The Eiffel Tower
• Tori Spelling

My eleven year old daughter came home from a day at the mall with friends this weekend, and she told me that her school bus driver drives the little mall choo-choo on weekends.  I guess she must really enjoy driving kids around, which puts her in a minority of one.  Because, let’s face it, kids are a fucking nightmare on the road.  My kids, when they’re not pissing, shitting, or puking in the back seat, will either be grinding food into the upholstery or punching each other in the teeth.  Sometimes all of these at the same time.

Ok, not me personally.  But he did call anyone who denies his version of “climate science” something akin to a racist.  And since I’m one of the many, many people calling for legitimate science to be performed, instead of the relying on Al’s proselytizing dumb-fuckery, he means me.  Behold, Green Jesus:

“One day, climate change skeptics will be seen in the same negative light as racists.”

Well, chalk up a whole bunch more racists then.  CERN (the place where all the braniacs built the Large Hadron Collider) released a study claiming that cosmic rays are the largest driver of climate change.  And far from being the work of a lone scientist who had been huffing paint, the study involved 60 countries, 8,000 scientists, and 600 universities.  This is serious science, not some asshole running around yelling “Bullshit, you fucking racist!” every time someone lays a fact out for the world to see.

Here’s a conversation I just had with my five year old son upon learning that he had a new girl in class.

Me:  Is Riley your friend?

Him:  No

Me:  Why not?

Him:  Because she’s new!

Me:  You know, it’s kind of scary to be the new kid.  Why don’t you walk up to her tomorrow and say, “Hi!  You’re new here, aren’t you?  Do you want to play?”

Him:  I can’t do that!  She’ll say no!

Me:  Oh, I’m sure she’d love to play with you.

Him:  No she won’t.  She’ll say no!

Me:  Why would she say no?

Him:  Because I keep kicking her in the back!

So, life lesson #1 for my little guy:  If you want a girl to play with you, don’t kick her in the back.

I had a Yahoo! account suspended recently because I like to have a little fun with answering some of the questions posted on Yahoo! Answers.  Honestly, I think the people that post questions there have IQ’s so low that I do not believe they still qualify as “intelligent life”.  They’d be more accurately classified as a breed of semi-intelligent doorstop.

For those of you keeping score at home, Dogs On Drugs has been at least partially banned by the Chinese government!  This is cause for celebration around here, but then again we tend to celebrate days that end in “Y” with a veritable ocean of beer, so that’s nothing new.

For those of you just joining, I made an especially heartfelt plea to the Chinese government to ban this website on the grounds that it is vulgar, profane, provides accurate information about the 1987 slaughter in Tiananmen Square, and I called Chinese Communist officials “evil, Commie dickwads”.  This apparently turned the trick in the Yunnan Province, because we are SO banned there.  Inner Mongolia, on the other hand, is showing a server timeout.  This is probably because their internet connection is made of ox dung.

For those of you not familiar with the asshats running the show over in China, the Chinese government has instituted the Great Firewall of China. This is used to block websites that are profane, objectionable, or mention how the Chinese government slaughtered its own citizens in Tiananmen Square in 1987.  And right there, in one sentence, is why Dogs On Drugs should be blocked.  But a quick trip to greatfirewallofchina.org shows that, sadly, this is not the case.  As it stands, over a billion people are exposed to my web site and its very large collection of pornography involving Mao Zedung and goats.  And that is wrong.

My five year old son fell down the stairs this morning.  Those things are a goddamn hazard, aren’t they?  Hey, you know what would be safer than stairs?  Fucking anything!

Seriously, put a slide right next to the stairs and your kids would never fall down the stairs again.  They’d slide down, and to judge by their behavior in the playground, they’d climb the slide right back up again.  And if they fall going up the slide, wheeeee!  Down they go.  Who cares?  Plus, they’d be distracted enough to stop staring at the TV long enough that we could finally put the Disney Channel out of business.  (Editor: Disney assassins are on their way as we speak.)

I read an exciting story today about how a heretofore unknown ocean current coming off the coast of…  Iceland…. means that…  Ummm, warmer Atlantic…  Zzzzzzzz  Zzzzzzzz  Zzzzzzz.

Sorry, I fell asleep there for a minute.  Global warming talk is like that.  It’s fucking boring.  You ever try reading some of the underlying science?  A group of professional bed-wetters announces that temperatures off the Ivory Coast have gone up an alarming 0.01 degree Celsius in the last 50 years.  Then a bunch of professional polluters say how there is no temperature increase unless there is, in which case we didn’t cause it.  You and I, meanwhile, are thinking to ourselves, “0.01 degrees?  Who fucking cares?”  And it turns out that we are right.

I realize that a lot of planet-saving do-gooders aren’t going to like reading this, but we need to stop with the global warming bullshit for a variety of reasons.