It’s been a while since I’ve toyed with Al Gore. I used to enjoy lurking in the bushes behind his house and just when he was getting ready to go to sleep… BAM! I’d light a totally unnecessary campfire in his back yard and run like hell. “God dammit!” he’d shout, running into the back yard. “Do you know how much carbon this releases into the atmosphere?” And as he was putting out the campfire, I’d come around the side of his house wearing a hat with the word “PRESS” on the brim and snap his picture. “Wow, Mr. Gore! For someone who loves the environment, you sure do light a lot of unnecessary fires!” One time he got so worked up that Tipper had to come out of the house with a glass of lemonade and a moist towel. “Al, honey, sit down! You know what the doctor said!” I’d laugh and stroll off, saying my goodbyes over my shoulder. “See you, Mr. Gore! I have to drive my Hummer down to the paper to deliver this photo. This is front page news!” Continue reading

I overheard someone talking about how she much she loved her kids this weekend, and I kind of laughed at how unnecessary that statement is. Of course you love your kids. Evolution has programmed love for offspring into each and every one of us, because if they didn’t, how long do you think your typical newborn would last? Those fuckers cry non-stop, piss and shit all over the place, and they cost slightly less per month than the GDP of Ecuador. If we didn’t love our kids unconditionally, we’d be sneaking out of the hospital for cocktails before the fucking cord was cut. Continue reading

I read today that Taco Bell has decided to go “upscale” with its menu, by which I assume they mean they will stop recycling food from Guatemalan trash heaps. I don’t mean to pick on Taco Bell. I know there are plenty of other fast food restaurants with horrible food that does horrible things to your colon, and truth be told I used to love going on late night drunken Taco Bell runs until my plumber told me that my toilets couldn’t handle that kind of abuse. But let’s not fool ourselves here, Taco Bell. No one looks to you when they want quality food. And I mean no one. Continue reading

I woke up at 5:40 this morning with my throat so dry that I was unable to swallow. That’s always a wonderful way to start out the day, especially when you know you have to go in to work. So I spent the morning doing shots of Dayquil in the office, the afternoon sleeping in bed, and the evening feeling like crap and hoping I’m going to feel better tomorrow. Waaaah! Woe is me, right?

Anyway, I’m going to plop down on the couch and read till I fall asleep. But before I do, I’ll post another video. Check this out. Amazing.

I’m going to pawn off another oddball video on you instead of my usual blather about doing drugs in college, lighting shit on fire, or lighting shit on fire while I was high on drugs in college. I’ve got a deadline on a serious writing project rapidly approaching, and while I don’t need to drop my running stream of dick-jokes and death threats aimed at the Sham-Wow guy that is my blog, I may need to do one less long post every week to stay on top of everything.

So, here you go. A video that starts off as an innocuous magic trick, but veers into serious nutjob lunacy at the 3:00 mark. He sums it up perfectly when he asks, “Not how. Why?”

It’s not healthy to live in a constant state of nostalgia, I know that. To endlessly wander around the recesses of your mind, lovingly recounting those magical, long-lost days is to ignore the wonder and joy that exists right in front of you every single day, namely the fact that technology has advanced to the point where you can now watch porn during a funeral. Still, there are periods of my life that I find myself returning to again and again, not so much out of a sense of loss and longing, but as a pleasant reminder of what it was like to be young and irresponsible to the point of constant felonious behavior. I’m speaking, of course, about college. Continue reading

I know a lot of really funny people. Some of them in real life, some online, and some are members of the inter-dimensional race of beings that reveal themselves to me in geometrical shapes when I rub my eyes. But when I want funny, and it’s got to be hilarious, The Onion brings it like a 104 mph fastball every fucking time.

So, not like I need to plug The Onion or anything, but this is so damn funny it literally made my sides hurt from laughing:

Work is still a stress factory combined with mind-numbing meetings, so I’m going the video route again. No post today, I’m too wiped to think straight. Feel free to ask for your money back. I will honor all requests, and by “honor” I mean “send you a large box filled with dog feces”, so maybe you shouldn’t ask for anything at all. I mean, unless you’re into dog feces. You fucking weirdo. Continue reading

You’ll come to hate me for this, I know. You will be in the throes of ecstasy when this video will rear it’s ugly head, and for that I am sorry. But my five year old “graduated” kindergarten today, my daughter got in trouble for refusing to listen to the bus driver on the grounds that “I don’t speak Español” (she’s grounded forever), and shit started falling apart at work today, with people consulting headhunters and full on crying jags. I have no energy to convert into sophomoric dick jokes, and apparently you are paying the price. I’m sorry.

I was thinking about my job benefits today, when I remembered that I have long term disability insurance. For those of you who don’t know, this is a gamble your employer takes on your behalf: “Greg is a very valuable and skilled employee. But let’s be honest here, he’s kind of nuts. So let’s pay a company some money so that when he chops his hands off mowing the lawn on ether, they can pay his salary and we won’t have to feel guilty for firing his handless ass.” Continue reading