Ok, giggle all you want about the incongruous name of the “diet candy” in this commercial. I’ve got bigger fish to fry. For instance, guys, if you ever feel the urge to take a picture of your wife while uttering the words, “Gotta get a shot of this! You’re eating less!” you are about to experience a pole lamp to the groin. The more you know!
I remember the first time I ever watched Jerry Springer. My brains rolled out of my ears and made a break for the door. That show was fucking ultra-stoopid and catered to the worst and basest aspects of humanity. You felt like a horrible person for watching it, and then hated yourself even more for watching it again the next day. I did this for a week before I reached my limit, and in that week I was introduced to husbands with secret boyfriends, sex addicted thirteen year olds, people scared by socks, and all kinds of other wacky shit. At least the week I can never get back had a bit of color, that’s about all I can say for it.
But there was an almost zen-like appeal to the show in its simplicity. A simple genius. You may not be interested by a kindergarten teacher, and you may not be interested in a whore (if you’re not employing her), but a kindergarten teacher that whores on the side is undeniably interesting, and Jerry Springer knew it. He’d set the stage, play the straight man, and let the tranny chips fall where they may.
It’s April, so in most of the United States, snow is done for the winter. Not Chicago, though. I grew up in Chicago, and April is the month when Mother Nature likes to fuck with your head. “It’s 80 out! Isn’t it beautiful? Go ahead, take the snow tires off of your car! Start getting your lawn ready! Spring is here and Summer is on the way! … … … MUWAHAHAHA!!! 18 inches of snow, TAKE THAT YOU STUPID FUCKING HUMANS!” Every fucking year. Continue reading
Ugh, super weird day today, and it has wiped me out. Rather than regale you with reheated dick jokes, let’s continue on with our theme from yesterday, the police.
My parents raised me to respect police officers, to recognize that they are dedicated to protecting the rest of us, often at the risk of their health and very lives. That lesson has stuck with me to this day. I honor those who serve, especially my neighbor who is a detective and came in handy on the evening of my thirty-second birthday when the two of us, along with 7 1/2 drunken friends got pulled over coming out of the desert in a pickup truck with an M16 assault rifle and two open cases of beer. Protect and serve, indeed. He protected my ass from going to jail, and then served me a beer when all was said and done. God bless the men and women in blue! Continue reading
When I was in college, I once found myself trapped in an attic with a roommate while an enraged lesbian tried to break in so she could kick our asses. I alluded to this story once before, but to recap, I leased a room in a house along with ten other complete strangers. As I was having a cigarette in the living room, I struck up a conversation with an attractive young woman in her early twenties, one of my roommates. She introduced herself as Mary Pat, and after exchanging pleasantries, I noticed that she wrinkled her nose at my cigarette smoke. “I’m sorry, is my smoke bothering you?” I asked. She assured me that it was not, as long as I didn’t blow it directly at her. Now I am nothing if not polite, so I put out the cigarette entirely and we had a nice chat lasting at least fifteen minutes. Continue reading
People often ask me why I drop so many f-bombs in my writing. “This is not appropriate when filling out your child’s application to attend school at this academy,” they’ll say. Waaaaah-fuckin’-waaaaah. Besides, it’s not my fault. I’m just easily influenced by popular culture.
Ok, first of all, let me say that exercise is good for you. I know that, you know that, everyone knows that. And certainly I don’t want to discourage anyone from exercising. However, there are some fundamental problems with this video. One at a time, I’d like you to identify them in the comments. Go!
For those of you who happened upon this site because you were searching for good health care advice on Google, well then you are in luck. Dogs on Drugs has long been known as a source of vital medical information such as how you shouldn’t let trannies put things in your butt. As a pillar of the medical community, we look forward to providing you quality health care-related information until such time as you send us an angrily worded email containing the phrase, “And the doctor says that you should NEVER put super glue in there!” at which point we will pretty much fall over laughing, because we do that a lot over here. Continue reading
All right, all right, settle down everyone. Yes, I understand that you’re laughing at the title of the post, and I’m going to give you all a few moments to compose yourself, but I need everyone to be mature about this because this is a serious subject and I will not tolerate everyone giggling through it like a bunch of goddamn third graders, ok? Everyone got it out of their system? All right. Good. Continue reading
